Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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