I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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