I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
