Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
