Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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