I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
