she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
