Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
