So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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