If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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