I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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