good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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