Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
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