yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
