I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
