We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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