it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize