I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
