ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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