You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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