The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
