hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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