Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
