and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Randomize