she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
