yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
