I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also, beer. Big fan.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
