I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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