we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Randomize
