Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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