What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Say something about gay babies.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize