I just threw up on my dentist
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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