I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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