You smell like a Billy Joel song
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
