i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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