i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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