i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
