There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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