she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize