I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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