The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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