i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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