I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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