im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
