tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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