You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
