3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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