Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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