If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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