I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
