i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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