There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
