He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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