Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
