I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
