come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize