You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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